edith a's Page

i feal i have the right to feal emotional and even at the same time as another. so why is it so hard for people to lean on each other when both in need?my best girl to me seems to be selfish in this feald. she is having hard times in her marrage and devorving and coming home from germany. i tryed to talk to her as a friend that i feal hurt and needed to be validated even though she is hurt as well. and she says well im going throught this its so hard and i try to be her shoulder. we had a prob that involved normal way i am im opinionated. and sence we got close she felt it was too much when she talked about her mean husband and i told her what i always have what i thought and what i thought she should do and watch out for her and be carefull. im worried. and mow we cant talk on that subject before she thinks im bashing and not suteing the way se want s me to. and i dont know what it is she wants.now we cant talk as friends about personal things about me and her and her devorce. to make it more sour she tells me she dont know if she feals the same for me and in the same day says she is falling for someone else but suposively in this mess of a life her husband made she cant let anyone in. so basicly saying i dont have fealings for you and cant have any one in my bubble but im leting in someone else. to me its crule. just the same as a dude dumping you and saying i need a break and goes after another chic. that is crule. and heartless. so im not alowed to feal hurt by this because she is going through hell and im trying to talk to her about how i feal like friends and all she can do is worry that im not feeding her pitty party that i have been for over a year. and she wont validate my fealings and issues when i need to talk about them. what is weard is i dont know how to not. people dont understand how i describe things, i seem to never have the right words.some how forever and a day i am always expected to be the strong one and bite my lip and do for everyone and when i need a time to be weak it seems im deneyed that. maybe over time of this crap sence young, this has made issues with me and i have tust issues with lots of people i have been hurt alot. she makes me feal like she is going to leave me behind like everyone else and she is tired of me fealing like this cuz she always says she is not. how can i not feal like this when here and there ya know that person has sliped out in a conversation a wrong word forgetting they were lieing. and ya bust it out. then they are lke no i didnt mean it like that.then say what ya mean. im strait forward and no one gets it they beat around the bush and i chatch on/ ya knwowhat i always get played a fool because i trust till the throw me away and had their use.
it comes down tohow do ya control these emotions and play the life game like everyone else. i dont know how i know the real world is eat or be eated ok got it, but i dont bealeave in it. there should be some good people out there isnt there. but im coming to realize i might have to play there game and chang my frame of mind to make things work and im having a hard time doing it. in that that replys to the other prob me and her have i know she is sayingshe may not have fealings for me anymore and does for someone else because she is leaving her hubby,she needs a provider. and yes in life ok you do what ya have to to make it and feed your kids. but why lie about it and say that to me. just say hay im doing this for the good for my kids and me and you can you do it?
why does everything have to be some sort of lie and deception? realisticly i dont understand it or know how they do it and i supose i should learn but my morals have a problem with that. im so torn in all these directions because i love where im at right now and dont want it to change for the worse. so should i just pretend and go along and yeah that will secure a place to live and ill be with the ones i love. but that is not why i do what i do. i do the things i do because its right,honest,earned and i work hard to keep what i have earned or wanted not by deception. and maybe that leaves me open to be played easy. but then that also leaves me to think..... what if that sjust me and she isnt doing all that and om on the defencive because of my past. and maybe im reading it wrong. and maybe she has the right to not feal my hurt from her cant be validated right now because of what she is going through and there is nothing eather of us can do? ya all tell me because im cornfused like we say in iowa lol and how do i make peace with all of it?